Director: Catherine Hardwicke
Writer: Gareth Dunnet-Alcocer
Cast: Gina Rodriguez, Ismael Cruz Cordova, Aislinn Derbez, and Anthony Mackie
Miss Bala (Spanish: Miss Bullet) is an upcoming action thriller film directed by Catherine Hardwicke and written by Gareth Dunnet-Alcocer. It is based on the 2011 Mexican film of the same name. The film stars Gina Rodriguez, Ismael Cruz Córdova and Anthony Mackie, and follows a woman who trains to take down a drug cartel after they kidnap her friend.
Make-up artist Gloria visits her best friend Suzu in Mexico with plans to help her become Miss Baja. Their plans are derailed when an innocent night of fun, at a local club turns to horror. Gang members start a shootout at the nightspot and the friends get separated. Suzu vanishes in a cloud of gun smoke leaving Gloria to frantically search for her, setting off a chain of events that change their lives forever.
Based on an Academy Award winning Mexican film of the same name, this adaptation clearly gets lost in translation. Having only read the Wikipedia entry for the 2011 film, we can say without a doubt it is the better of the two. If the original film is an authentic Mexican meal prepared by a master chef, the adaptation is Taco Bell. While not entirely awful, it is a watered down white-washed version of its predecessor. Gina Rodriguez is Gloria the makeup artist turned gangster in this predictable little movie. In the original film, Gloria is a fellow pageant contestant but is oddly demoted to makeup artist for this version. There’s even a scene where a pageant official looks her over dismissively as if she would never be pretty enough to compete. While interesting, the scene does nothing to further the story. Had this been a comedy she would have proven her wrong and won the whole thing without losing her soul or some other god awful high handed crap. Here it’s just a random scene that is only remarkable for its awkwardness. The pageant official scene is first of several odd moments, including the pathetic half attempt at a love connection between Gloria and the leader of La Estrella.
Lino is the leader of the notorious La Estrella gang. These money laundering thugs who also deal drugs were on an assassination mission when they shot up the night club. Despite having access to spy grade listening devices, bombs, and grenade launchers, the crew went old school and decided to climb through a bathroom window and run into the dark night club with guns blazing. The attempt proved to be a boldly idiotic move that also serves as the introduction of Lino to Gloria. Though gruff at first sparks fly once he kidnaps her. He can’t take his eyes off of her it is clear he is instantly smitten with the makeup artist and tries to woo her, the Estrella way. First he takes her passport and makes her drive a bomb to a DEA safe house where they watch it explode, then he forces her to lay next to him in her undies while he caresses her and tells her about his childhood crush, finally he forces her into a pretty dress and takes her out for the best tacos she’s ever had. To be fair, he only takes her for tacos after she saves his life in a shootout with the feds. He was so grateful he even let her dress the little flesh wound on his thigh, which must have healed pretty fast since he was no longer limping in the very next scene.
In addition to the odd romance, another mystery plagues this film and his name is Anthony Mackie. Mackie appears in roughly 6 minutes of the film but is prominent in the trailer and opening credits. He’s even done an interview or two. We halfheartedly hoped this was a Marvel hero origin story with the Falcon taking the cunningly bulletproof Miss Bala under his wing but no such luck. He has exactly three scenes in the film with less than five full sentences, total. Anyone could have played the part. A better choice would have been someone like Steven Segal or Eric Roberts. It would have been a nod to classic straight to DVD films like this one should have been.
A clumsy love story and an odd casting aside, this action drama is missing the most important element, action. There isn’t one remarkable fight scene or a truly intense shootout. Even the final showdown is pretty anti-climactic. In a recent interview for the film Gina Rodriguez gushes over how her intense workouts for the film made her unrecognizable and while she looks great, we can’t help but wonder if the workout was for a different role. Aside from occasionally running in heels and ducking behind cars, there is relatively little athleticism needed to play Gloria.
In summation, the action is lacking, the love story is awkward and we think it should have gone straight to DVD or been a Lifetime movie of the week. Miss Bala, has all the markers of a Sunday afternoon cable exclusive but none of the qualities of a good action film. The lead is a woman we’ve seen on TV, all the male characters in the film are garbage, the “prettier” girl is just a damsel in distress and you could watch this while scrolling social media and not miss a thing. Miss Bala isn’t the worst movie we’ve seen but it certainly isn’t worth risking hypothermia. Why take chances braving the elements, when you can stream much better right in the comfort of your own home.
Miss Bala hits theaters this Friday, February 1, 2019.